Growing Through It

Ok- I need you take 10/20 seconds and look at these photos.  Really look & observe what your mind processes as the differences between the two.  

Alright. Did you notice one has make-up, the other does not? Did you notice one has significantly more length to the hair?  Did you notice one looks like a life milestone & one could almost be a sweaty selfie? Did you notice a difference in the brightness of the eyes?  I bet at least some of those things were things you noticed. 

Now-  consider the addition of the stage between the photos. 

Does adding the middle step change what you see in the images?   The middle step changed EVERYTHING for me.  I actually had to take the middle step twice, once in May and again in August.  

But why? What actually was the middle step? It looks like shaving my head.  I actually REALLY love my shaved head, but I have an image of myself I had been too terrified to aspire to at previous stages of my life but am now following a trajectory that will get me there and that image has long curly hair. I am literally growing out of the self-protecting, personal reality fortifying, totally unhealthy patterns I had put on as if it were the Armor of God. 

Why did I have to take the middle step twice?  Well, to be honest, the first time it was more of a gesture than an actual commitment to myself.   The person in the graduation photo should have felt as if she was at a peak moment in life, but it was actually next to rock bottom.  That graduation photo is the mask of sadness, glued on to cover loneliness, internal isolation, and regular suicidal considerations.  It was in the midst of a negative thought spiral that inspiration & courage struck.  I would end my life as I knew it. 

No more pretending I was happy.  No more exposing myself to relationship circumstances that broke my heart daily.  No more standing in the middle of the whirlwind that was my life while attempting to anchor my children in protection from the storm, time to GET OUT of the storm.  

This was going to be a battle for my soul and the rest of my life, time to call upon the ancient and fierce roots, time to KNOW that neither the battle nor the storm is mine to fight, but for the battle to be won I have to show up.  My intentional presence is required. I would need to wrestle a few things on my way to showing up, but the path would be cleared and only what I was strong enough to wrestle would be before me.  

I will bend, parts of me will break, but the parts that had been slowly rotting inside are turning into the fertile, nutrient rich, soil, from which a healthier and stronger me emerges. 

I have tried to cover up, divert focus, otherwise hide the massive internal turmoil that drove the vast majority of my life’s choices. I am NOT a fan of ‘growing out’ stages I find in the mirror, but I feel ALIVE, Worthy, & Radiant- in spite of current state of my external image. 

I see myself, the massive transformation of myself,  and I no longer shudder when I see myself in the mirror.  However, there are significant self-worth issues that need to be rooted out.  I find myself reflexively shrinking from being seen and fearing that authentically showing up will send people running in repulsion. Maybe some will, but this time I know it’s not about me- it’s about them and their reaction belongs ONLY to them.  

There is beauty and phenomenal opportunities for connection in every single day & I am going to find as much of it as I possibly can.  I’d love to see you & connect with you along this journey, so reach out and we’ll journey together as we grow through it all.