I Am NOT doing Well
Saturday morning I did a 5K with my Mom, my son, and her friends. It was great. I LOVE to move my body, be among people, and be doing my thing- whatever that is at the moment.
Saturday afternoon it was just the adults in the house & I asked my significant other if he wanted to do something with me. He kind of scoffed when, after listing off ideas, I said, "or take FULL advantage of having the house to ourselves and take a nap together?"
A little down-trodden I went about my business and returned to the room about 10 minutes later. Guess where he was: he was passed out, diagonally, across the entire bed.
No room for me.
He slept for nearly six hours.
This is my life.
That is an accurate description of my primary relationship.
Is this ever you? How much time do you spend crying behind closed doors? in vehicles? when no one is looking? Me, you ask. The answer is a lot; more than is a reasonable amount of time.
The WORST part of it all is that I can not even remotely approach my partner or tell him how I am feeling. I personally could do it, but to do so automatically means he is going to assume I am attacking him and he will do one of three things: lash out, shut down, hop in a vehicle and drive recklessly through our neighborhood and onto the highway until he cools off. (Recklessly meaning close to 100mph in a 35mph zone with blind curves and more on the straight highway.)
So, I sit here and realize that THIS is the gap in community support that has been blatantly been staring me in the face for years. THIS is the silent face of emotional abuse and neglect. If my children or I were physically beaten there would be a shelter for us. If my husband died in an accident, there would be social security income and spousal support. If my husband was less prideful we would live in a smaller house and there would likely be money for me to take the kids and start somewhere new.
However, we live in a stupid huge house with a bunch of 1/2 addressed major projects -blown pipes, dysfunctional well, remnants of small house fires- all throughout. One set of parents says we (the kids and I) are welcome to come stay, but they have a new biting puppy and smoke copious amounts of pot. The other set of parents say we're welcome to come stay with them, but there are then daily verbal assaults of my "poor choices in husbands" and inquisitions on "what are you going to do now?" Meanwhile, I am seeking answers while doing everything in my power to show up for my kids and not commit suicide.
Other than going to a homeless shelter there is NOWHERE for a stay-at-home-mom who is working on completing her degree so she can get a better job to take her children. There is especially nowhere for said woman to go when she has a special needs child who needs 1:1 emotional support and does not function in public school.
This is why I want and we need Transformation Haven to exist. An intentional living community for women and single mothers to land for 3-months to 3 years while rebuilding their lives. THIS was my intention with my property. However, said partner seems to believe that inviting single women and single mothers to co-habitat on the property is akin to building himself a harem. I have zero idea where the man-of-god I thought I married went, but he is not the personality in charge these days.
So, I graduate with my official, accredited, Bachelor's degree in just 8 more weeks. I have a pop-up travel trailer and a vehicle that will pull it. I see a summer of adventuring while waiting for an annulment to go through all the proper channels. I need to pray myself into a home and job that will allow me to show up for my children in the ways they most need me to show up, while still allowing me to feed my soul.
Over the winter I plan to delve deeply into how to build Transformation Haven, where to find Angel Investors and how to serve the women who so desperately need a place to land. Feel free to contact me if you have any resources or ideas of how to make this happen.
Interesting article for Neurologically Diverse Relationships: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-deal-with-loneliness-in-a-relationship-when-one-partner-is-autistic-1031194
Saturday afternoon it was just the adults in the house & I asked my significant other if he wanted to do something with me. He kind of scoffed when, after listing off ideas, I said, "or take FULL advantage of having the house to ourselves and take a nap together?"
A little down-trodden I went about my business and returned to the room about 10 minutes later. Guess where he was: he was passed out, diagonally, across the entire bed.
No room for me.
He slept for nearly six hours.
This is my life.
That is an accurate description of my primary relationship.
Is this ever you? How much time do you spend crying behind closed doors? in vehicles? when no one is looking? Me, you ask. The answer is a lot; more than is a reasonable amount of time.
The WORST part of it all is that I can not even remotely approach my partner or tell him how I am feeling. I personally could do it, but to do so automatically means he is going to assume I am attacking him and he will do one of three things: lash out, shut down, hop in a vehicle and drive recklessly through our neighborhood and onto the highway until he cools off. (Recklessly meaning close to 100mph in a 35mph zone with blind curves and more on the straight highway.)
So, I sit here and realize that THIS is the gap in community support that has been blatantly been staring me in the face for years. THIS is the silent face of emotional abuse and neglect. If my children or I were physically beaten there would be a shelter for us. If my husband died in an accident, there would be social security income and spousal support. If my husband was less prideful we would live in a smaller house and there would likely be money for me to take the kids and start somewhere new.
However, we live in a stupid huge house with a bunch of 1/2 addressed major projects -blown pipes, dysfunctional well, remnants of small house fires- all throughout. One set of parents says we (the kids and I) are welcome to come stay, but they have a new biting puppy and smoke copious amounts of pot. The other set of parents say we're welcome to come stay with them, but there are then daily verbal assaults of my "poor choices in husbands" and inquisitions on "what are you going to do now?" Meanwhile, I am seeking answers while doing everything in my power to show up for my kids and not commit suicide.
Other than going to a homeless shelter there is NOWHERE for a stay-at-home-mom who is working on completing her degree so she can get a better job to take her children. There is especially nowhere for said woman to go when she has a special needs child who needs 1:1 emotional support and does not function in public school.
This is why I want and we need Transformation Haven to exist. An intentional living community for women and single mothers to land for 3-months to 3 years while rebuilding their lives. THIS was my intention with my property. However, said partner seems to believe that inviting single women and single mothers to co-habitat on the property is akin to building himself a harem. I have zero idea where the man-of-god I thought I married went, but he is not the personality in charge these days.
So, I graduate with my official, accredited, Bachelor's degree in just 8 more weeks. I have a pop-up travel trailer and a vehicle that will pull it. I see a summer of adventuring while waiting for an annulment to go through all the proper channels. I need to pray myself into a home and job that will allow me to show up for my children in the ways they most need me to show up, while still allowing me to feed my soul.
Over the winter I plan to delve deeply into how to build Transformation Haven, where to find Angel Investors and how to serve the women who so desperately need a place to land. Feel free to contact me if you have any resources or ideas of how to make this happen.
Interesting article for Neurologically Diverse Relationships: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-deal-with-loneliness-in-a-relationship-when-one-partner-is-autistic-1031194
Comments
Post a Comment