Ripples in the Silence
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| Ripples in the Silence |
Ugh! Ok. Here I am, starting a blog, creating a space to put myself out there because I feel SO DANG LOST and I NEED to be seen. I have felt the cold darkness and whipping winds closing in on me. I feel like I've been digging and digging to figure out what the Holy Heck I want "to do" with my life all while life is happening.
Over the past two decades I have become quite the Jill-of-All-Trades, master of many, but committed to none. I have reluctantly and guiltily become a mother, twice. I have been married THREE times, although that number looks like it needs to be remediated to twice and is it's own overwhelming story. I have attended THREE Community Colleges and FOUR Universities. I have moved 14 times and through the last 13 months I have been "on the verge" of another major transition.
I am at a literal and figurative cross-roads with my life. I went back to school and chose the path to reacquiring my bachelor's degree, through a fully accredited school this time (that's an entirely messy story from the 1st time around.) I realized that it truly DOES NOT matter what your bachelor's degree is in when you have no real idea where you're going, it's your knowledge, skills and abilities that matter until you figure out your niche. So, in 15 weeks, assuming I transition from this blog to doing my homework, I will have earned a General Studies Bachelor's Degree with Concentrations in Health & Human Performance & Psychology. In 16 weeks I can be respectably employed outside the home while I figure out the rest of life, although what I am able to do this next year is also VERY dependent on if our state removes Religious Exemption from Vaccines for school school attendance and requires me to bring my youngest son back to homeschooling.
As it turns out, my current husband, husband number 3, was legally still married to wife #1, when we were married in Massachusetts. IF we lived in Ma, we would be legally married right now because Ma has common law marriage and, apparently, this is so common that there is an actual law that covers this "what if" situation. That law states essentially, "if you are still married six months after the previous legal marriage has ended, the current marriage is binding." Well, we were "married" Labor Day Weekend, 2011 and his marriage was officially over Sept. 2_ of 2011, so I was "married" according to the Ma statute as of March 2_, 2012. HOWEVER, CT does not have the same laws. There is no common-law marriage here and I learned that means we are "illegally married" and need to annul & remarry if we want our marriage to be "real," according to the state of CT. So, here I sit. Wondering, what do I want?????
I think my house is too big for our family, but it is perfect to be the non-profit community support husband #3 and I have discussed and began putting effort into. However, I know him well and I know that "secretly" (no so secret because he says it all the time) he really would like to turn the space and our marriage into an open marriage commune where free-love reigns. So, I haven't pushed as hard as I would on my own because I question what his energy would do the energy of what should be a Transformative Haven and respite from the world. At the same time, #3 is just learning to face his demons and step into his strength at work, but is struggling with it and has been looking for new jobs all across the country.
So, I'm kind of treading water and praying I will connect with the humans necessary to fully form this non-profit, seek funding, and build this desperately needed resource for women who need to make a change in their life but, because they've either been stay-at-home moms or been at the mercy of their life trauma, lack of education, and possibly even their addictions, they're "stuck" where they are. There are domestic violence shelters for women to "escape" traumatic partners, but what if it's simply YOUR CHOICES or lack of choices that got you where you are? There is no respite or haven to help you re-center, deal with trauma/ low-self-esteem, and cooperatively support change. Some people may have family, but there is usually a reason they're still where they are and not back "home."
I personally WISH and NEED Transformation Haven to exist. I wish my marriage was the Haven for me to grow, delve deep, root & rise up into my strength, but that will likely never be the case. When I asked my husband what HE wanted to do about the whole legal/ illegal marriage thing his response was, "we have an out, we should take it." Granted, he still shows up every day, goes to work every day, and randomly engages with us while I run around like a chicken with it's head cut off keeping the house, taxiing my children, doing the actual paying of bills & trying to appreciate the blessings of moments I get to eek out for myself in this world. I don't currently work outside the house and #3 actually seems adverse to me even striving for that. I have the resources to jump into holding space here, in the lower half of this house, but again, I am hesitant to connect and begin to support others, only to learn #3 took a job in Texas or Montana and it's time to pick up stakes because I am not quite to the point of being able to support the kids & myself through this endeavor on my own.
And, I am WRESTLING, with my place in life. (Side Note: I HIGHLY recommend this book for those who objectively understand spiritually wrestling, no matter which religion.)
Oh.... and I am fiercely fighting to solve both my mystery illness and the cause of my daughter's health issues this year.
So, that's the surface of my life today. I intend to use this space for full transparency and downloading of all the things as well as to explore the blessings and announce growth opportunities. As I write more I'll begin tagging subjects of posts, but you can expect I'll be diving deep into the following: #reluctantmotherhood #joysofmotherhood #marriage #selfcare #yoga #womensempowerment #lifegoals #whoamI #essentialoils #fightingforhealth #metabolism #livingalifeworthliving #learningtoloveyourself
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