Being Dismissed, Feeling Invalidated

According to the Chinese Zodiac I was born in the year of the Fire Dragon.  My mother, who REALLY is a SAINT in SO.MANY.WAYS was born in the year of the Water Dragon.

According to Astrology I am a Virgo with the vast majority of my my chart falling into Libra, which is in the lower half of my chart. My mother, is a Libra with a lot more balance in her chart than mine. I am grounded, with a piercing regard for truth but I want EVERYTHING to satisfy EVERYONE to highest degree possible. My mom just wants everyone to get along.

THIS is ESSENTIAL to understanding the roots of this post as these are NEAR PERFECT explanations for my deep rooted sense of NEEDING to be seen/ heard and feeling as if I am regularly and consistently not seen or heard.

In case it hasn't yet occurred to you, nothing puts out a earthen ground fire like water. Nothing.  I was reminded of this recently, and again this past week, when I was discussing life changes with my mother and I was expressing my thoughts on my current house. ( I am not a fan, I think it's too big for my life, and I REALLY want to make a change.)  In the middle of expressing myself one of my mom's subconscious mediating/ dismissing lines hit my ears when mid-sentence I hear  "Oh, You don't mean that....."  

Actually, yes. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY mean what I am saying. THIS thing I am saying that you disagree with, that doesn't fit your perception of my reality, or doesn't seem in alignment with this life I live, I DO mean it and it is my personal truth. In the past I have half-heartedly responded to that famous dismissal with statements such as "yes I do" as my assertions were met with "you'll think differently one day,"  "that's sad," OR, the absolute worst, "You make me laugh...." with a tone that I can not yet put into words but essentially means, "You are in the wrong and I am not doing to discuss this with you."

I have internalized this invalidation of my thoughts/feelings to an unhealthy degree. To a degree that I generally bite my tongue in groups I don't know REALLY well.  However, I am RARELY in those groups as I am finding that I am "that mom," "that hippie/ alternative health chick," or "that anti-vaxxer" (who is actually pro-choice and pro-medical freedom) who DOES NOT conform to mandatory or compulsory anything but lives in the midst of the world instead of a hermitage or alternative community of like-minded individuals.  I happen to also be immune compromised and trying to balance it all, so I'm not actively engaging in new groups to get to know more people and find my tribe.

That said, this blog is a step toward being authentically visible and seen authentically. I am showing up here with my signal fire blazing for those who also crave authentic connection and being seen.
If you want to be connected, feel free to subscribe and receive these posts in your email. In the future I look forward to hosting virtual and live gatherings of Authentic Souls, but I am not simply not there yet.  Feel free to share your story in the comments below. (Spammy comments will be deleted though.)